Space Marine Humor
“My Lord, I bring news.”
Typhus Marburg paused in his study of the situation map of the
dreary little planet his forces were engaged in ravaging. “Yes?”
“Lord. Starships have appeared in the outer system and are on course
for a landing. They have been identified as elements of the Flesh
Tearers.”
“Yeah? Tell them to sod off and find their own world. Tell ‘em we
got here first.”
“Sire, you misunderstand. They are here to defend this world!”
“What! Why? It’s a sorry state of affairs when the followers of
Chaos start to defend the weakling Imperium from each other!”
“Um, Lord… the Flesh Tearers are a loyalist chapter.”
“They are? With a name like that! Are you sure they’re not one of
ours?”
“Positive, My Lord.”
“Have you been able to call for any assistance?”
“The Astropaths have contacted other forces nearby. Unfortunately
this has also alerted other loyalist forces in the sector and they
are also headed our way.”
“Bugger. So who gets here first then?”
“The Alpha Legion, sire.”
“It never rains, it only pours, hey?”
“Umm…”
“What!”
“The Alpha Legion is one of ours.”
“It is?!”
“Yes.”
“I’m confused. You’re telling me that a mob called the ‘Flesh
Tearers’ isn’t one of ours but a mob called the – what was it
again…”
“The Alpha Legion, sire.”
“Right… a mob called the Alpha Legion is one of ours.”
“That is correct, sire.”
“So who else is showing up to this barney then?”
“The Blood Drinkers.”
“One of ours?”
“One of theirs.”
“OK.”
“The Iron Warriors.”
“One of theirs?”
“No. One of ours.”
“Go figure.”
“The Dark Angels.”
“Now I’ve heard of them. Followers of Slaanesh aren’t they?”
“No, I think you’re thinking of The Fallen, sire. The Dark Angels
are Loyalists too.”
“Bugger. So who else then?”
“The Emperor’s Children.”
“Oh, that one’s too easy. They’re obviously loyalists with a name
like that.”
“Um, not exactly my Lord.”
“Really?”
“Yes, Lord. They’re one of ours too.”
“This is silly. All the really evil sounding names are being used by
weakling loyalists while it seems as though the forces of chaos have
got the naff monikers. Are there any more of these I should know
about?”
“A few, Lord.”
“OK then, spell it out for me, starting with Loyalists that sound
like traitors and then moving onto traitors that sound like
Loyalists.”
“I will attempt to do so, Lord. OK – the Loyalists that sound like
traitors… the Marauders, Rampagers, Destroyers and Storm Lords
(all White Scar second foundings in point of fact).”
“I like the sound of the Storm Lords. You sure they aren’t one of
ours?”
“Quite sure. Then there’s the Blood Drinkers and the Flesh Tearers -
both of which are Loyalist second founding of the Blood Angels.”
“With names like that I’d always assumed they were more bone headed
followers of the blood god.”
“Not so far, My Lord. Then there’s the Red Talons…”
“I thought they were renegade pirates.”
“No Lord, that’s the Red Corsairs.”
“Oh. OK. Continue.”
“The Brazen Claws are loyalists too.”
“Good name for a Khornate force though isn’t it?”
“Yes Lord. Then there’s the Black Guard (not to be confused with the
Black Legion which IS one of ours), the Revilers, and the Raptors.”
“Hold on a minute! The Raptors? They’re definitely ours. Hell we’ve
got a small unit of them attached to our forces haven’t we?”
“My Lord, those are the troops known as Raptors but there is also a
loyalist legion with the same name.”
“Must get a bit confusing for the loyalists then?”
“I imagine so, My Lord. There are also the Doom Eagles, the Silver
Skulls, and the Iron Hands (not to be mistaken for the Iron
Warriors, who are ours).”
“Bloody hell. Is that it?”
“There are also some lesser known chapters that also seem to cause
occasional confusion.”
“Such as…”
“The Doomfarers are one that our forces have occasionally
encountered.”
“Oh yeah. Those yoyos. So what about the Chaos forces that sound
like loyalists then…”
“Well as mentioned earlier there are The Emperor’s Children, The Iron
Warriors, the Thousand Sons, the Lunar Wolves (who changed their
name to the Sons of Horus and then to the Black Legion)…”
“Well at least they’re easily IDed as one of ours now. The Black
Legion eh? Now that’s a proper name. Just postively oozes evil from
every pore.”
“Yes, Lord. To continue, there are also the Word Bearers, and the
Alpha Legion.”
“The Word Bearers? What kind of silly name is that for a Chaos
Legion?”
“They used to be missionarys sire”
“We you’d think that once they switched to our side they’d change
their name to something a little more in keeping with being evil mad
men. I mean come on ‘The Word Bearers’? It’s a silly name.”
“Yes my Lord”
“You know, I think the forces of Chaos should have proper Chaos
names. There’s no room for mistakes when you’re called something
like ‘The World Eaters’ or ‘The Death Guard’…”
“Actually Lord, both those chapters had those names when they were
loyalists.”
“You’re kidding.”
“No, My Lord.”
“Yeesh. I would have thought names like that would be a bit scary
for the average imperial citizen. I mean “Yay we’re being rescued by
the World Eaters” just doesn’t sound credible while “Aargh! Flee!
It’s the World Eaters” seems much more likely.”
“Yes, My Lord. I believe the latter is more likely these days
anyway.”
“Makes no bloody sense at all.”
“Yes, My Lord.”
“Kill ‘em all and let the Chaos Gods sort ‘em out I say.”
“Sounds like a completely reasonable approach to me, My Lord.”